Last week, Ellen and I got confirmation that baby #2 will also be BOY #2. Ellen and I are both thrilled. Why, you ask? I figured we should break this down, issue by issue.
Convenience.
This is a no brainer for us. P.J. was born in July, new baby -- whose potential names are locked in a hermetically sealed vault -- will be born in early August (due date confirmed for 8/6). That means Baby #2 can wear all of P.J.'s clothes, down to his crab shoes. Big Edge: Boys.
Money:
See above. Baby Boy #2's wardrobe and sheets and towels and everything are now set in stone. We don't have to buy him anything of his own. Ever. Big Edge: Boys.
Peace and Quiet:
Whatever else you can say about girls, until about age 13. Then boys' volume starts to fall linearly, while girls' starts to rise geometrically. Because they're only living at home in the early stages of life, we have... Edge: Girls.
Cool Explosion Noises While Drawing:
What's up with girls on this one? You tell a girl to draw, she uses 50 colored pencils to draw one thing: usually a flower or a house, just sitting there. And what's more, they're perfectly silent throughout the creative process (see above). Boys, on the other hand, will draw a fighter jet, a volcano, a dinosaur, a space ship, a transformer, and an ICBM in the same setting, with the same broken crayon, and make sweet roaring and explosion noises the whole time. Big Edge: Boys.
Opportunities to Embarrass Kid By Interrupting Their Phone Calls:
Seriously, what's the point of being a parent if you can't pick up the phone on a school night and give the mortifying baritone, "Jenny, get off the phone, you've got homework"? For boys, though, their side of phone conversations usually goes like this: "Hullo? Yeah. What? No. Okay." And then they hang up. Big Edge: Girls.
Terrifying Romantic Suitors:
It's one of those things you learn as you age, but girls don't scare easy. Boys on the other hand are a cinch. There's so many ways to go. Guy comes over to take out your daughter, and you just sit silently in the same room, glaring at him. That's a great idea, but look at the other alternatives. You could be coincidentally cleaning your shotgun when he arrives. You could try to trap him by offering him alcohol or a cigarette, to see if he takes it; then, if he doesn't, treat him like he's a pansy. You could tell offensive jokes, then get offended if he laughs. The possibilities are endless for the poor kid. Edge: Girls.
The Godfather
This is the clincher for boys. Girls, for the most part, don't get The Godfather. Any guy can walk into any bar in the country and say, "They got Sonny on the causeway," and he's immediately welcomed into the inner sanctum. It's like the lingua franca for guys. Girls' closest equivalent is Friends. Read that again. Big Edge: Boys.
So, there you have it. Not only are we having a boy, but it's scientifically proven to be best for us right now. Big thanks to Uncle Luca for this one. (Men, you know what I'm talking about.)
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